"Bad Jokes"
By Garrison Keillor; Performed by Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly
from "Prarie Home Companion"
Recommended: Skip some verses; do a different batch each time to keep it fresh. There are 18 verses here!
Playing with family? Use the ratings to guide you.
* ratedG = safe for all, nothing worse than potty humor (5 total)
* ratedPG = suggestive but okay for older kids (5 total)
* ratedPG-13 = teenagers and up, depending on your views (6 total)
* ratedR = sexually explicit (3 total)
The lyrics here mix the film version with the official Keillor version to include all possible jokes.
Song is in D with a classic I-Iv-V blues pattern; commentary and banter between performers happens
while holding a D chord. Feel the rhythm of the first verse to get the chords for subsequent verses.
[Intro]
D D/c G/B Bb7 [x2]
D G A7 D
[Verse 1]
(ratedPG)
D G
The blind man's seeing eye dog
D A7
Pissed on the blind man's shoe.
D G
So the blind man said, "Here, Rover,
A7 D
Here's a chunk of beef for you."
D G
And his wife said, "Don't reward him
D A7
For peeing on you, dear."
D G
He said, "I'm trying to find out where's his mouth
A7 D
So I can kick him in the rear."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 2]
(ratedPG-13)
D
You got one Dusty.
D
I got one Lefty.
D
Let's hear it.
D G
When God created Woman
D A7
She had not two breasts but three
D G
And the middle one got in the way
A7 D
So God performed surgery.
D G
And Woman stood in front of God
D A7
With the middle breast in her hand
D G
She said, "What can we do with the useless boob?"
A7 D
And God created Man.
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 3]
(ratedR)
D G
I turned eighty the other day
D A7
And everybody was there
D G
And I was dressed up in a suit
A7 D
Sitting in my wheelchair
D G
When a beautiful young naked woman
D A7
Stood up in front of the group.
D G
She offered me some super sex
A7 D
And I said, "I'll take the soup."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
A7
Death and sex and such bad taste,
G
Someone oughta slap my face
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 4]
(ratedPG)
D
You ready for another one?
D
Yea, lay it on me.
D G
Ollie went to the neighborhood dance
D A7
And he won the big door prize
D G
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
A7 D
And the next week one of the guys
D G
Said, "Ollie's, how's that toilet brush?
D A7
The one you got from the neighbors?"
D G
And Ollie said, "Oh, it works pretty good.
A7 D
But I think I'd rather use paper."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
A7
You know the reason that farts smell
G
Is so deaf people can enjoy 'em as well
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 5]
(ratedR)
D G
The farmer had a champion bull
D A7
Who bred two hundred times a year.
D G
The farmer's wife said, "Two hundred times!
A7 D
Isn't that wonderful, dear?
D G
Maybe you ought to watch him,
D A7
Maybe he'd show you how."
D G
The farmer said, "He's a heck of a bull
A7 D
But it wasn't all with the same cow."
D
Come on now.
[Verse 6]
(ratedG)
D G
My mother turned 89
D A7
And much to our surprise
D G
She decided to get outdoors
A7 D
And started to exercise.
D G
Mother walked ten miles a day
D A7
And now she's 93.
D G
Poor old mother, we don't know
A7 D
Where on earth she could be.
[Verse 7]
(ratedG)
D G
A German shepherd walks into a bar
D A7
And says "Hey, I'm a talking dog.
D G
I know other dogs do tricks,
A7 D
But you ever hear one talk? I
D G
How about a drink for a dog
D A7
Who's articulate and erudite?
D G
And the bartender said, "Sure,
A7 D
The toilet's there, first door on the right."
D
Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ.
[verse 8]
(ratedG)
D G
Last night a man was murdered
D A7
It was clearly no accident.
D G
They found him in the bathtub
A7 D
Full of milk - two percent.
D G
There also were sliced bananas
D A7
But this was the real chiller:
D G
There were a hundred pounds of corn flakes.
A7 D
They think it was a cereal killer.
[Verse 9]
(ratedPG)
D G
A man walks into a restaurant
D A7
and he looks at the long menu
D G
And finally the waiter comes around
A7 D
And says, "What can I do for you?"
D G
"How do you prepare your chickens?"
D A7
Says the man. The waiter replies
D G
"We don't do anything special.
A7 D
We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
[Verse 10]
(ratedPG-13)
D
You gotta another one Dusty?
D
Actually I do.
D
You hear about the viagra shipment that got stolen?
D
No, who they think did that?
D
Well they don't know,
D
But they are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
D
You got another one?
D
I got another one Lefty.
[Verse 11]
(ratedR)
D G
Sven said to his friend, "O, I think my wife died."
D A7
His friend said, "What do you mean you think?"
D G
"Well, the sex is still the same,
A7 D
But the dishes are stacking up."
[Bridge]
D
Hey Dusty.
Yea Lefty.
D
Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?
D
No, I didn't.
Yea, it runs in your jeans.
D
Heya, Lefty.
D
Yea, go aheadin.
D
Why do they call it PMS?
D
PMS, well I don't know why?
D
Mad cow was already taken.
D
Hey, Dusty.
Yea, Lefty.
D
What do you get when you cross Holy water with castor oil?
D
I don't know Lefty. What do you get?
D
A religious movement.
D
Heya, Hey, Lefty.
D
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
What did he say?
D
He said, "It's cute,
But can you really breathe through that thing?"
D
Come on
[Verse 12]
(ratedPG)
D G
"Mr. Jones, I have to complain
D A7
About your ten-year old son.
D G
He's playing doctor with my daughter."
A7 D
Mr. Jones said, "That's how it's done.
D G
Kids explore sexuality.
D A7
I don't see what's the matter."
D G
"Exploring sexuality, hell.
A7 D
He took out her gall bladder."
[Verse 13]
(ratedPG)
D G
My daughter brought home a boyfriend
D A7
With great big ugly tattoos
D G
And long black greasy hair
A7 D
And Lord how he hit the booze.
D G
I said, "Darling, I'm sure he's nice,
D A7
But something makes me nervous."
D G
She said, "He's extremely nice..
A7 D
He's doing 500 hours of community service."
[verse 14]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
There was a man named Scraggs
D A7
Bought two dozen condoms a week.
D G
The drugstore clerk said nothing for months
A7 D
And finally she had to speak.
D G
What do you do with all those condoms?
D A7
It's simple, said Mr. Scraggs.
D G
I feed them to my poodle
A7 D
Now she poops in plastic bags.
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
One morning, the devil came to church,
D A7
In a burst of smoke and flame,
D G
He ran up and down the aisle.
A7 D
He said, "Beelzebub is my name.
D G
I am evil incarnate,
D A7
The object of all your fears!"
D G
The old man said, "You don't scare me at all,
A7 D
Been married to your sister for 48 years."
[Verse 15]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
Tommy went to confession,
D A7
He said, "Forgive me for I have sinned."
D G
Father Murphy said, "With whom?
A7 D
Was it Megan or Marilyn?
D G
Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Kathy?"
D A7
Tommy just rattled his beads.
D G
The priest gave him four Our Fathers
A7 D
And also five good leads."
[Verse 16]
(ratedPG-13)
D G
Jim and John had to share a room
D A7
One night in a hotel.
D G
Jim said, "I snore so bad.
A7 D
I doubt you'll sleep that well."
D G
John kissed him on the cheek.
D A7
He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right."
D G
And Jim went and sat in a chair
A7 D
And stayed awake all night.
[Verse 17]
(ratedG)
D G
Ole lay on his deathbed,
D A7
He knew he was going to die.
D G
And then he smelled a beautiful smell
A7 D
Of Lena's rhubarb pie.
D G
He crept downstairs to the kitchen,
D A7
There it was, he let out a moan.
D G
Then Lena whacked him with a broom:
A7 D
That's for the funeral. Leave it alone.
[Verse 18]
(ratedG)
D G
"Darling, you've always been with me.
D A7
On life's long bumpy ride.
D G
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
A7 D
You've been here by my side.
D G
My heart attack and the house burning down
D A7
That night the lightning struck.
D G
And liver cancer - and now suddenly
A7 D
I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."
D
The nice thing about Alzheimer's, men,
D
You enjoy the same jokes again and again
D
And again and again and again!
[Chorus]
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love âem
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of âem
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
A7
BAD JOKES, Lord how I love 'em
G
BAD JOKES, Can't get enough of 'em
D G
Ooo-oo-oooooo-wee
A7 D
BAD JOKES for me.
D
Hey!
###
Source: https://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/tab/garrison_keillor/bad_jokes_chords_2078995